problems.

i need god to tell me what he wants me to do. maybe he's been tryna tell me this whole time, but i just wont listen. but i dont know. i reallyy need him right now. im not myself. i always find myself quiet and not smiling when no ones around. and im sick of covering myself up with some temporary happiness. i need to tell someone what's going on but i dont know if anybody's willing to listen. im relying on god but at the same time, there's some much things [problems] going on that just worry me so much. i told god to take care of all my worries. but i still worry. i guess it shows that i dont really trust him.

maaan. i wanna show him that i love him. but i dont know how. i try, but i always fall into temptations. i need to give things up. i know that's what i need to do. but i got into this worldly habits that i cant get rid of them. that's all i need to do. just sacrifice the unecessary. its so hard. that's that only thing that's keeping from totally living for god. i need his help so bad. but i know that i dont deserve being loved by him after all these promises to him that i break. i know he sees my every move, but i act as if i dont fear him and that i dont care if he's looking. uggh; its already embedded in my hear what is pleasing to god and what he wants me to do, but i still do things otherwise. uggh;

i just really need him. i need to trust him. i need to fear him. i need to love him. maaaaaaaaaan.
this christian stuff is hard.

marneee.

kay. so after my high, i guess that night was so high that i had nowhere else to go but down. soooooooo many things came at me all at once this week. i was tempted. and i felt sooooo stupid coz i had time to think about how im gonna deal with those temptations. and its so wierd how i know what i should do but i choose to follow the wrong one. idk. but to me, i just totally disappointed god. and those temptations are the ones that happen to me all the time. its like the same mistake i make over and over with even know the consequences. its crazy.

well. tonight. i wasnt feeling it. i sang the songs. it made me feel good. but the connection wasnt there. i had a chance to pray. i went in the room. i kneeled down in front of the chairs with the lights on. and i talked. i confessed. it wasnt a prayer. it was more like a conversation. and the words just kept on coming and coming. i guess i had so much things to tell god since i lost contact with him throughout this week, right? haha. tonight was very first time i actually questioned god, like full on. he made me think about the situation that im in right now and all those challenges he tests me with and i told him how alone i felt. and i kept on asking him, why why why why.  maaaaaaan. and i just cried. i had to tell him how i really felt. how alone i am. i mean if i think about it. who do i have that keeps me in tact with god? no one. and that's what i really need right now. its so easy for me to drift away. and every friday, i become soooo uggh; i dont wanna explain it.

idk. but tonight, god ensured me that he's always here. and that's all i need right now.

incredible.

today was THEday to remember. it was a touch day. i knew i was gonna meet god, i just knew it. when we had that prayer session, omg. there WAS no prayer for me, it was all about me and him conversating. and he told me that something's gonna happen to me tonight at the concert. and in my head, i knew that i was gonna meet god. and that's when it all set in. i dont know what feeling i had. excited for something i never thought i would say to myself throughout my life, meet god. haha.

this whole week, all i thought about was the concert. i couldnt think about what's gonna happen AFTER the concert. it was all i was waiting for. i felt like it would be the end of the world after that. this week, i tried soooooo hard to please god. but something kept on telling me that it wasnt good enough. but when i would sit and think to myself all the good things i did that would please god, i did pretty good. because most of the time, all i would usually think about is what i did wrong that day, and what i should've done. idk. i guess today, god told me that i was being too harsh on myself. i know that god's proud of me. and for everything i've done to glorify.

the concert. omg the concert. i honestly didnt come there prepared. when i was praying before i got there, i told god that the concert will be for him and that i'll praise him with everything i can offer. when the concert started, i knew i wasnt prepared. i prayed a little bit. and started singing the songs. then that one song came on, holy is the lord. omg. i sang that song with ALL my heart. i looked around and EVERYONE's arms was up in the air. it was so wonderful to see all those people praising god. all i could do was smile as i sang. it got to the point that i kept on singing even when my throat was hurting. i coughed and i sang even louder. i never sang with all my heart the way i did with that song. all i remember was that i was yelling the words, but at the same time, i couldnt here anything. and my arm was raised to the ceiling. and i just bursted out with tears. and i tried to keep on singing and singing, but the tears kept on coming as i sing. and all i could do was cry. idk why. for what? i dont know if i was a happy cry, or what. but i cried. and it was an amazing feeling. and as the night went by, all the songs i sang, i sang them to god. i felt like i was giving him my message through the song. and i couldnt stop smiling. i love it. i love it. i love him. he deserved every bit of what i offered him. hopefully, i made him proud.

what now. after the concert, i was just quiet. and that amazing feeling easily wore off. but still, i thought about god. and i was asking him, what now? i just finished offering him what he deserves, and in return, he gave me that glimpse of glory that jason always talks about. [if i just caught a glimpse of it, and that was the feeling i felt, i cant even imagine how i would feel when i finally get to see his glory to its full extent] and now, im tired. im back home. will i go back to my old ways again. i dont want to. i dont want to. but know that if i fall short again, i'm always gonna be searching for that glimpse of glory that i was demoed tonight.

tonight, i reached the highest point of my life. i'll never trade it for anything. i know that if i keep holding on to god, my peak point will get higher and higher.

sickening.